Baby Sister called me last night and, among her verbal vicissitudes, told me that she didn’t “get” the BEAR storyline from my short synopsis.
“What?” I asked. “Why not? What didn’t you understand?”
I could almost hear her shrug. “I dunno. The names were weird, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on, and I didn’t really get what their relationship is…”
O-kay, I thought. The name thing is just Babs’s problem because both the hero and heroine’s names were pulled straight from my well-loved, duct-taped baby name book. I didn’t make those up like I did Tentuk, Andra, Pynimy, or Vix from the PADEIA series, and she has no problem keeping who’s-who straight so a little 
to her on that. The rest, though, is my problem. Not understanding what’s going on (Babs advice: read the back covers of books to see how it’s done… for which I must laugh rather hysterically as, aside from having read many, many back covers, I wrote all those snippets with that idea already in mind) doesn’t worry me as much as her not understanding the relationship. That, for a romance, is poor synopsis writing, so shame on me.
Now, just for Babs, let’s try this again:
BEAR (“Fall of Sanctuary” series, Book 1) - Braun is the leader of an elite police force tasked with the responsibility of ensuring the safety and survival of everyone within Sanctuary, a fortressed city-state built to save those within from the Contagion that nearly wiped out the population. He approaches his duty with near religious conviction, believing the people within Sanctuary deserve nothing less even though it means that he must struggle to contain his desire for Aliza, his fiery second-in-command who deserves more than the love of a man unable to give entirely of himself.
Aliza doesn’t share Braun’s passion for preserving the way of life within Sanctuary. She believes freedom is an illusion within its walls, a belief only strengthened by the secrets of her past, but the threat outside is strong enough that she joined Braun’s forces to protect it despite her hatred of those who rule. But when Braun’s brother inexplicably escapes Sanctuary and then threatens to tear down the walls that protect them all from the Contagion, she and Braun must find the truth in the myths that shroud their society and learn to trust in the love they share.
So, Babs. Is that better?
October 15, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Misi here, sorry you havn’t gotten to talk to me lately, now I am the sister who is unavailable because she is working too much. I had one of my days off today, and ended up spending it working a double shift. Oi vey.
Anyway, I also agree with Babs, at least on the synopsis part. Reading it here and there it is a little clearer but I’m still not sure who the characters are, I can’t put my finger on it.
October 16, 2009 at 7:48 am
From this synopsis we know that Braun wants Aliza, but not that Aliza wants Braun, or why. The two things needed to make it a good romance hook I think are 1) why are these two folks so attracted to each other and 2) why can they (apparently) never be together.
Sentences are also too long- cut most of them in half.
Language is a bit dispassionate – go through the whole thing and look for mild verbs and try ramping them up. For example, last sentence in particular could also be made more compelling: a more active verb than “find”, maybe “tear through the myths to the long shrouded truth”; and “learn to fight for the love they share”. Find and Trust are kinda mild for your closing phrases. Or, the first sentence on Aliza could be “Aliza hates the very rulers she serves, sharing none of Braun’s passion for preserving Sanctuary’s way of life. Her crippling past has taught her that freedom is only an illusion within Sanctuary’s walls.”
I think the big thing here is that if the goal is to capture the two individuals and their romantic conflict, then the focus of these two paragraphs is too much on the world rather than them.
And now I’m going to shut up cause sheesh apparently I shouldn’t be asked my opinion on Friday mornings cause I’ll be way too picky!
October 17, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Yeah, what she said!
October 19, 2009 at 9:42 am
Wow, the three of you (I’m including Babs) are really cracking the whip on this. Damn you and your helpful, trying-to-make-me-a-better-writer advice. Personal growth hurts!